Punishment

Another one for those interested in a D/s relationship, but an important topic nevertheless.  Punishments are seen by many as an integral part of a D/s relationship.  A slave may make a mistake or deliberately transgress the strictures laid down by their dominant so the dominant will have to punish them.

Now it's important to remember that consent is at the heart of all BDSM play and this applies to a submissive receiving a punishment as much as it does any other aspect of play.  So if you're new to a D/s relationship, then take it easy that first time a punishment is being given.

By that I mean one hard slap on the arse instead of repeated strikes, but that's only if you're getting physical.  Punishments can take any number of forms.  A friend of mine simply ignores her pet when he's displeased her as this is something he finds hard to cope with.  Another idea entirely is to have your submissive write lines or an essay detailing how they've been naughty, how sorry they are and how they'll strive to do better in future.

But, whatever form the punishment takes it must stay in proportion.  Going over the top and you'll only scare your submissive to the point where your relationship suffers.  So, proportion at all times.

Spanking

Spankings serve two purposes.  They can be a very humiliating form of punishment in a D/s relationship (more on punishment later) or a very erotic act between loving partners.  I love giving spankings.  Whether it's simply the feel of my partner's flesh under my hand or the way that flesh bounces when my hand strikes her arse, spankings are fantastic.  The moment my last girlfriend first lay face down across my lap, I knew I wanted to spank her.

In time she grew to love it and I would happily spank her any time I could.  I kept them light though.  That way the act stayed intimate.  Any harder and she stopped enjoying it, so even if you are engaged in a D/s relationship, I'd save the hard spankings for punishments.  Unless your partner's a masochist of course.

Hoods

Hoods are perhaps one of the most interesting pieces of bondage gear there is.  In Pulp Fiction we never see the Gimp's face.  In the Times article I mentioned in earlier posts, the woman writing of how she submitted to her boyfriend says at the end that she's never worn a gimp mask.  So clearly they're a way of taking away a submissive's identity.

This can be a good thing.  I've read articles saying how once you're wearing that hood, it's easier to slip into a submissive frame of mind.  The argument went that by doing so it gave you a form of anonymity that made it easier to let the real world go.  There's also the fact that the dominant can choose to bestow sight and speech or take them away easily with a hood.

My last partner and I used a hood a fair amount of the time.  I loved wearing it because it drove home to me the fact that she was in charge.  Near the end of our relationship when she told me she wanted to be in charge everytime we played, she said that from now on I was to wear the hood whenever I submitted to her.  For me that would have been nirvana because, and this is just personal opinion, I think that in any D/s relationship the submissive or slave should always wear a hood.

There were a few times she wore it and she looked really sexy.  It's something I'll try again with my next partner, once I've finished getting over the break up, which could be a while.  Anyway women in hoods are incredibly beautiful and as I'm sure you've guessed by now, they're kind of a fetish for me.

Approaching the wider world...

 

 

Just a quick piece before bed; I’m single and I’ve been single most of my life.  As such my contact

with BDSM has mostly been limited to the Internet.  I am, to put it pathetically, one of what an Australian girl I met last year referred to as ‘those guys who wank off in front of a computer’.  Yet that gives me a distinctive perspective, because when you’re alone, BDSM can be scary. 

 

 

I don’t mean in terms of the practices involved.  They can be scary for anyone and are best approached slowly and carefully.  What I mean is the wider BDSM community itself.  Now, I’m not saying that anyone’s unfriendly or overly hostile.  Rather it can be a shock to see what it’s really like.  The Internet skews images of BDSM, either through the prism of porn, or the intentionally hostile lens of certain media commentators.

 

So when you go to a BDSM event and you see ordinary people, of all ages, shapes and sizes and from all walks of life together, it can be a little jarring.  Maybe this reflects badly on me but I’ve only got my own experience to go on.  Last year I went to a party in Bolton.  The venue was a warehouse that had been converted into a playspace and was run under the name Crimson Crowbar.  I went because they didn’t need any fetish clothing as part of the dress code.  So I put a nice shirt and jacket and went after work. 

 

It was an eye opener.  For one thing I’d never seen anyone in fetish clothing before, nor had I been able to walk around watching people being whipped, caned, flogged or paddled.  For another thing pretty much everyone else there had far more experience than I did.  Thankfully they made me welcome and the Australian girl and I (and yes, I wish I could remember her name) became friends quite quickly.  Yet going around watching men old enough to be my father being caned, grown women being bullwhipped or having needles stuck in their back, it was obvious that this wasn’t a world for the faint-hearted. 

 

Admittedly if you’ve been single and relatively alone for as long as I have, you develop a sense of every new experience as something to be savoured, no matter what it is.  That’s made my break-up from girlfriend easier to bear, though it’s still hard a lot of the time to think of spending the rest of my life without her.  That’s digressing however so back to my point, which is this.  If you’re in a couple when you realise you like BDSM, try and find a few others you can talk to before taking the plunge of going to community events.  That way you’ll have a better chance of enjoying yourself.

 

P.S. I'm going to try and solve the problems with posting.

Leather

This sentence comes to you courtesy of a man wearing leather gloves.  I don’t know what it is about leather, but I’ve been in love with it for years.  Maybe it’s the feeling of power that is associated with wearing leather.  Maybe it’s the feel of the leather as I run it over my skin.  Whatever it is I know I have a fetish for black leather.  It has to be black.  White, red, does nothing for me, only black.

 

Now when it comes to experiencing leather in BDSM, there are any number of different ways.  Wearing it is perhaps the best way.  There are leather gloves, coats, jackets, dresses, trousers, harnesses and hoods.  You name it you can get it in leather.

 

It looks great when worn right.  Look on any professional dominatrix’s website and you’re sure to find plenty of pictures of them wearing leather.

 

If you’re a dominant, running leather gloves over your submissive’s bear skin is great.  You get a sense of power, they get the wonderful feel of that smooth leather on their skin.  For true leather aficionados however there’s only one way to experience leather.  That’s by licking it.  Again, if you’re wearing gloves, running your fingers into a sub’s mouth and making them suck on your fingers can make for a brilliant powerplay.  However, and I’m speaking personally on this one, licking a leather boot is the ultimate experience where leather is concerned.  The first time I did it, I felt like I was in heaven.  I could have spent all day doing it, but sadly day to day needs tend to intrude on a fantasy like that.  Still I’ve got enough pairs of gloves to enjoy leather any time I want.

 

Does an interest in BDSM stem from childhood experience?

There are a lot of misconceptions about BDSM.  One of the most interesting is that interest in BDSM must stem from a childhood trauma.  Now I'm not saying this can't be the case.  Clearly for some people an experience when they're young can have an impact.  I remember reading years ago in Bizarre of a Jewish man who'd been in the concentration camps who used BDSM as a way to deal with his experiences.  Similarly in Nick Brown's documentary about the Pandora's box dungeon in New York, there were Jewish men who fantasized about being interrogated by the Nazis.

My last partner asked what had happened to me in my childhood when I first told her, but then again her only experience of BDSM prior to that was the Fifty Shades trilogy (which you should never use as an opener when it comes to talking about BDSM).  However I didn't have any childhood trauma, I just had thoughts about what it would be like to be tied up.  I kept having these thoughts as I grew up until I saw a feature on BDSM in FHM and suddenly I knew I was into Bondage.

For me it's part of my sexuality, which is why I'm not happy when anyone describes BDSM as a lifestyle choice.  But that's getting off track and my main point is, just because you have an interest in BDSM, without any underlying trauma, doesn't make you a freak, it just means you're aware of your sexuality.

Ballgags

There are few things sexier than someone wearing a ballgag.  From the way they fill the mouth to the way they make a person look so helpless, ballgags are beautiful things.  Better yet, if there not to tight, the person wearing them can smile after a fashion.  When I talked about BDSM involving love and play being a fun time in earlier posts, it was that ballgag smile that I had in mind.

Unfortuantely ballgags, when worn for a time, can hurt the jaw.  My last partner was so uncomfortable wearing a ballgag that she asked me to stop using them on her.  I, by contrast, had spent years wearing them, albeit in the privacy of my own room, plus for me, wearing a ballgag kicks off a mini splurge of adrenaline so I don't notice the discomfort as quickly.

Now, if you're new to BDSM, wait a while before proceeding with gags of any kind, but especially ballgags.  There are training gags, where the balls are different sizes, that will help you work your way into it.  Apart from that, just follow your common sense and you'll be set.

Engage the right mindset

Is someone who likes to be tied up automatically a submissive?  The answer is no.  They just like being tied up.  I really enjoyed it when my girlfriend used to tie me up, not least because she could be wickedly inventive.  However that didn't mean I was submissive to her in any way when we weren't playing.

A friend of mine however is utterly submissive to his fiance in and out of the bedroom.  He calls her Mistress and she calls him Pet.  It works for them and next year they're going to have a wonderful wedding.  I know however, that such a relationship wouldn't work for me.  Much as I enjoy being tied up when I'm playing and calling my partner Mistress, I wouldn't call her that at any other time.  As for the reverse, well I've tried that and again, I wouldn't want it.

You see the moment you add a D/s aspect to the relationship, the moment one partner calls the other slave, things become more serious.  Now if you or your partner is submissive to that extent, then by all means incorporate it into your relationship but only if you're certain that's what you want.  Otherwise stick to just tieing each other up or things will become awkward, for both of you.

Start small

I'm willing to bet most people who develop an interest in Bondage end up looking on porn sites to see what it's all about.  Now whether its somewhere like Men in Pain or Chanta's Bitches, or a dominatrix's website for that matter, what you're looking at are professionals who tend to have a lot of equipment to play with.  Mistress Nyx has written on her blog of spending a thousand pounds on dresses for sissy maids for example.

Yet, as I've said, they're professionals, familiar with any number of techniques and levels of experience.  That won't be true of anyone starting out, so they should keep it small.

Go for a simple spanking for instance.  You can do it even if your partner still has their clothes on, progressing to nudity as part of the fun as when you please.  Another good thing to start with is pet play.  You don't need anything to start, just a little roleplay and a sense of fun.

From there experiment however you like.

Opening up

Telling someone you know that you're into Bondage isn't easy.  When the munch group I used to go to (a kind of get together for the kinky minded) switched venues, one member wouldn't come because he knew too many people in there and didn't want to run the risk of being outed.

Given that BDSM is always going to be something of a underground scene, telling someone you're into it has the potential to be a disaster.  I've only ever done it twice.  The first time was March 2012 when a friend had found out that I was going somewhere on Thursday nights and told everyone at work.  While entirely avoidable if I'd only parked nearer the pub we were meeting in, it led to another friend begging me to tell her where I was going.

So, frustrated and annoyed, I told her.  It's Bondage.  She was shocked and I was perversely satisified but nevertheless thankful that she accepted that it was a part of my life.  I'm quite a private person and I don't like opening up to people, so her begging got on my nerves.  The reaction I had was born of gut instinct and it could have ended up very badly.  That it didn't and we're still friends is somethign I'm grateful for.

The second time was to my ex girlfriend and ended up being a great blurt and splurge session which left her speechless and uncertain what I wanted from our relationship.  While she did come round and we tried lots of bondage, it also awakened other insecurities which ultimately brought our relationship to an end.

Anyway, the point is that the first time I kept it simple, even if that simplicity was the result of anger.  Maybe if I'd done that the second time things would have gone better, but really it's hard to tell.  However it's given me a good tip to pass on.  That is keep it as simple as possible.  Start by telling them you're into BDSM and leave it at that.

Answer any questions they ask in as few words as you can and certainly employ no more than a sentence.  Whatever you do, don't go all evangelical and pour on the zeal as you explain to your confused girlfriend the many great and wonderful aspects of BDSM that you enjoy and ask her on the spot, if it's something she wants to try.

So remember, keep it simple and let people come around at their own pace.

BDSM involves love

What do people think of when BDSM comes to mind?  Whips, chains and pain is the common picture

 

where stern looking women beat fat guys in gimp suits.  Now maybe that’s true in a few cases but the

 

scene is much bigger than this.  Not everyone involved is into pain.  Not everyone involved gets

 

beaten wearing a gimp suit.  Not everyone goes for the D/S angle and not everyone is into being tied

 

up.

 Why?  Because our scene is dynamic; it has so many different angles and personas that it has something for everybody.  Yes that’s a cliché, but it’s a good cliché so I’m using it.  Why?  Because there’s one thing every different aspect of our scene has in common.  That’s love.  Whether you’re tying someone up, training them or simply pretending you’re a dog and barking when your Mistress says ‘fetch’, there’s love involved.

The switch girl of my dreams

When you're an introvert, you dream a lot.  Especially about meeting that someone special.  For me that someone special is very idealised.  She's kind, generous, insightful, intelligent.  She's tolerant, encouraging, warm, giving, happy.

She's equally at home wearing the collar or holding the leash.  She goes with the flow, taking charge or submitting on a whim.  She looks good in whatever she's wearing from silk to leather to rubber.

Yet she has many other attributes as well.  She adores classic literature, she can't enough of science fiction and classical music sends her into rapture.

Okay, so it's a dream but it's a good dream.  Because I don't see why the girl of my dreams can't be into everything I'm into, kinky or otherwise.  Yet it's one thing to talk to a girl online or in a bar and say 'yeah I like Classical Music' or 'yeah I'm a big Star Trek fan'.  That's easy.  But you wouldn't just come out and say 'yeah I'm into BDSM'.

Except I want to be able to do that.  Not telling a woman I like that I'm into BDSM strikes me as dishonest, yet every time I tell a woman that, I run the risk of ending our relationship.  My interest in BDSM risks becoming the elephant in the room for any potential relationship.  I'm willing to bet that's the same for many others.  So hopefully, this site can help do something about that.